hi yall
wow be gentle.
I started an email today and told myself i'd have time to finish at the end of the day and the end of the day is here and i'm not finished.
I wasnt feeling well so I subbed out my evening class, but still came in to film a meditation and my 6:30 class. Of course I was curious to watch the videos, so I pressed play and watched. To my disappointment all I could watch was the fullness of my body.
I wasn't even disappointed because I wasn't surprised, but I felt more at a loss, in my head I looked like something and with my eyes I looked like something else. and i guess the misalignment made me feel like i was realizing for the first time i wasn't taking care of myself? Or maybe I'm simply going through some fat-phobia stuff and masking it as a different emotion?
Now I'm sitting here at 9:21 with a draft of an email, a messy house, and everything pointing to not doing enough. I genuinely feel so angry, and I'm not sure at what! so im choosing from 9:22 onwards, im choosing gentleness.
My mom this year decided for her new year's resolution she wasn't gonna judge anyone anymore, and i can see it in the way she's being more curious, and saying things like, "i guess it was different for your dad and i". She's choosing luv and for the rest of the night, I will too.
I'll see u tomorrow.