I shared a reel this morning about what yoga isn't and since we're here, i'll share what it is to me.
In 2008 I was going to Ryerson and they opened the cineplex across from the mall. A few pals and I went to what was Extreme Fitness (as if) and signed up. There was a door in the basement, the lights were usually turned down low and the room was usually full. I was a bit timid to join and I didn't realize that you had to get there early so my first attempt to join was unsuccessful because there was no room for me (what will become a familiar story I'm sure I share with many). So the second time, I went in early and again, the lights were turned all the way down low and the room was packed but I was excited- I had a spot. The teacher had a Eastern European accent and I remember my feet hurting during the standing shapes. But!! I was hooked. My very first yoga class! I remember getting my osap and going to lululemon and buying my very first teal mat. I actually just recently threw it out, if you are wondering? Yes, after 14 years- still very slippery.
Then I got hooked to Lori's saturday morning class- it was a power yoga flow that never changed and it became so popular that she added a yoga class with weights, I went to that too. There was not a single mention of yoga philosophy. We were told to breathe, but only because the room was so hot if you didn't there was a real chance you'd faint. In those days, I would drink alcohol as if my life depended on it and after moving out of my parents house at 18, I finally started to give myself permission to live at 22.
But what I was really looking for was permission to be seen. And this to me is yoga.
I'll fast forward to 2019 and my pal who I love so much and at the time was simply my teacher, someone I adored and wished I knew better! Taryn, at the end of my first yoga teacher training, she sent everyone Hali's upcoming sanskrit course. I sat in Hali's satsang room and for the first few sessions probably nodding my head but just behind that wondering: what the frig is happening? In those many meetings I learned the many lessons of yoga philosophy through the lens of my lovely teacher and I realized all those hours I spent in that sweaty room so many years ago was not yoga, but instead punishment.
I never understood myself as a whole, instead as too much and needing to make myself smaller. I would sit there attempting to twist and viciously thinking If I Was Smaller, I Would Be Better At Twisting. If I Wore The Right Pants I Would Always Have A Spot. I went to "yoga" to fix myself, only to learn (not ironically) in a seat- in stillness, the only thing I needed to fix was how I saw myself.
What is yoga? Yoga to me is the deep devotion to Self in this incarnation. If you are familiar with the 5 paths to yoga, you might see Bhakti there, but I also say that through a karma yoga lens.
In a less pretentious way, I'll ask again: what does yoga mean to me? Lets try this: when I close my eyes, I often am fighting the urge to control the thoughts, not to judge the reactions, to silence the sounds, but if you can get past the nagging desire to control + manipulate, the awareness naturally widens. Because I am no longer pushing past what I consider "barriers", rather I'm softening my attachment to the outcome of my practice and recognizing in this moment, I am already somewhere and there is plenty to see.
I am no longer punishing myself for not being skinny enough, instead I am aware of what I am capable of, not only the shape but to shower myself with compassion when the thoughts feel overbearing. I am no longer seeking shapes to validate my feelings, rather I'm using my feelings to see if the shapes work for me.
So yes, yoga is asana, but that's just the entryway that leads you to the portal to your true self. There's so much more.
c u tomorrow.